Farewell Address

I've probably been writing parts of this blog for the past few months in my head. Now here I sit, my last night in Wisconsin, and it's time to put some of it down. Tonight the folks I've met here in Milwaukee came together for a last second outing and it was the perfect way to live out the last night here. PichStock4 kicked off last night and thanks to all who came out. After I've had more time to digest it all I plan a special blog dedicated to the fine folks I met during my time here... as of tomorrow that "here" should read "there," and, yes, even that makes me sad.

Over the past month, as I announced my move back to Vermont, life has become surreal. I've drank in moments I know I'll never live again and, no, "drank in" didn't mean I had adult beverages. I drank in simple things like restaurants, radio stations, and sights. Bigger things like locations, and people I've become quite fond of. I guess I've known for awhile that I wouldn't be in Milwaukee long-term, but it didn't get real until the past month.

It's been hard to realize I'll never drive by Miller Park, and a casino on the way to or from work. That my roommate will never again score me tickets to an NBA Playoff game where he works. That lawyers with no charisma will no longer be in commercials on my local TV. That I won't be joined by anyone in Vermont by "urban speak" that doesn't make me cringe just a little. That my time in Milwaukee is nearly over.

I didn't write too much until now because I'm not sure where to start... or even contemplate an ending. It's tough to be a guy like me when you don't know how to say what you feel.

I guess the thing I've learned the most about my time in Milwaukee is that life is not always what you expect. I knew this before, but this was a solid example. Nothing here was like I expected, and not all of that unexpected was bad. Some was just life happening and some was me happening in life. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that my time here is over... I never expected it to go this way.

I know I previously posted that I wanted to thank the Bradley Center for being the reason I came out here, and I still do thank them and I take nothing back I've said. However, it's very safe to say that I simply never fully recovered from the termination there. I couldn't even get part-time work at Target during the holidays. Thank God the Pettit National Ice Center gave me somewhere else to be once in awhile and a way to make some of my own money. I hated being on unemployment. I missed having benefits, and I missed being a part of a workforce where I felt like I was doing something important. I liked working at the Pettit, but felt like making the ice was all I did... it simply wasn't enough for me.

Aside from professionally I also never really felt I had it all here. To me, "having it all" is having a great place to live, great friends, and a great and secure job. I guess maybe I had 2 days on top after all. Without those things I feel like life becomes a path towards achieving that. And when I'm doing that I tend to forget to enjoy everything else.

I do feel like the people I was closest to here got to see the real me in bits and pieces enough to know what I'm about. I tried like hell to not have it come to this, but the pieces fell in to place too perfectly, and it's the best thing for me right now. I think that's why no one has given me even a tiny bit of crap about leaving. They know, like do, that like splitting aces at the blackjack table, that it's my only play here. It might workout and it might not, but given the choice you'd always split aces.

I hope you stay with me here as I make reference to a song by Miley Cyrus. Say what you will about her, or my liking of her in anyway but just know how important her song, The Climb, is to me. Rarely in life does an entire song capture your place in the world. This song captures all about me and my want to move to Milwaukee, my time here, and the end result. I hope the next time you hear it you listen to how it captures my situation. Most notably though moving forward I give you the chorus:

There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
I always gonna be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb.

I can't say I enjoyed every moment of this "climb" through Milwaukee because I always wanted to move mountains. I wanted to learn all about my job, and eventually find a better place in the area to live. I wanted to get on top financially and take in all that Milwaukee had to offer. I wanted to meet new people at almost any cost. The world was new at every turn and gradually over time I started to enjoy the "climb." I lost a lot of uphill battles here, but I took solace in the ones that were completed or at least going well. I'll admit that some of my lowest moments in life took place here, but also some of my highest. That's what made my time here so special, and what makes leaving so hard.

Tomorrow I have 3 major things to do. Make sure the trailer with my stuff is picked up. Swing by the Bradley Center to say good-bye to Dan, Neil, Rueben and Derrick. Then leave town. Not going to be easy, but something I have to do.

If you know me at all and I'm guessing if your reading this, you do. You'll know how many times I've had to stop writing to compose myself. I could probably write on for hours, but I need to keep this brief for now. I haven't blogged this hard in a long while.

For now I must embrace the future. So often as I've told my tale about being from Vermont to people here, I have always been asked the same question: "How do you walk away from all that?" My answer is always relating to wanting to live in a big city and try my hand at a cool job unlike anything Vermont could provide. However their question always stuck with me. Somedays it was hard to figure out why I did leave. But at the end of it all I wouldn't have changed my path here... maybe somethings along that path, but luckily I can look back at them all and gain the perspective from all the experiences that I went through here.

What makes this so hard for me is that this is where my dreams came true. This is also where they were shattered. This is where I tried to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward, but the road led me back to Vermont. I can't help but feel hurt that I was close to having the things I'd always wanted. I even had them for awhile, but now it's over. There will always be so many "what ifs" for me when I think about my time here. I've always tried to live my life with no regrets but sadly I'll always have some when I think of Milwaukee. I was overwhelmed often by life and my defense was laying low, and trying to take the high road.

They say you shouldn't shop for groceries when you're hungry and by that same token maybe you shouldn't blog when you're upset. Hopefully this mis-matched bunch of thoughts makes some since to you. Getting them out is helpful for me so even if you don't pick up what I'm puttin' down at least I get that out of it.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that, "there's always gonna be another mountain, and I'm always gonna wanna make it move." Now those mountains are green once again. It took my "climb" here in Milwaukee to fully understand that I can do anything. And perhaps more importantly, I can enjoy and learn along the way, but I'd never want to do it alone.

Thank you to everyone who helped this happen. From financial to mental, and moral support. But I would be a fool to not thank Neil and Dan. Without getting into it too far I'll just say I couldn't have done it without them.

Also to my parents: I'm sorry you had to get so many calls from me with bad news during my time here. I actually used to have nightmares about calling you with more bad news. Thank you for being there for me, at every step along the way. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I know this was as hard on you as it was me, and I'm glad that you NEVER made me feel bad for taking such a chance with my life. I love knowing that you supported me in this effort despite your inner thoughts. I don't know if I could be that strong, but I'm so glad you were. As always you let me discover things on my own terms. That kind of support is priceless and could never be replaced.

I have a chance to start over again in my hometown. I'll work to get back the parts I loved, and use my new outlook to find the things, people, and places that make me happy. I'll have the same folks around me that got me through my first 29 years in Vermont, and I'll meet some new ones too. It's hard to be excited about going back right now, because even though I only have mere hours left in Milwaukee I still have some big things to do.

I'll check in from the road. The Pich' has left Milwaukee, and it has left a special place in my heart forever.